Barren branches reach
Toward St. Joseph's church steeple
As winter's sky burns,
I expel my breath
watch it clear as if absolved.
by Margaret Bednar, January 18, 2014
This is a Tanka for "Imaginary Garden with Real Toads Tanks with Hisashi Nakamura" We have been so amazingly lucky to have his guidance in a two-part series. I have always enjoyed doing these, and hope I have improved on my understanding of how to execute them.
Note: I hesitated to use "winter's" as it is so obvious. I do use "barren" and allude to it being cold. I originally used "evening's" … any advice or thoughts?
The above photo is an example of me turning the car around and getting out to capture what I glimpsed despite my kids moans and groans. It was worth it I think :)
17 comments:
I like "winter's". Margaret. Beautifully done. I have not yet tried a tanka.
This captures a very special moment - the connection of self, nature and something more. Very spiritual and uplifting.
I have no advice about writing tankas, but I did love your lines, Margaret. They make nature, even in a harsh season like winter, seem beneficent and forgiving.
Oh I like winter... taken as text only it's not obvious at all.. Maybe nocturnal would work hmmm... But I like the image you paint
oh, i really like your conclusion here, it allows the reader to imagine this moment... fleeting, but a feeling of absolution conferred nonetheless. very lovely!
I think Winter works well, it plays into the seasons and this time of year.
I agree winter's works quite nicely. Using 'wintry' might be an alternative ... bottom line, I enjoyed your tanka, Margaret.
Ah yes, you bring warmth to an otherwise cold winter's day.
Smiling at the moans and groans of the kids - I've heard them many times when I want to take a picture! Your tanka is beautiful as it is!
I don't see how you could possibly improve your understanding of ANYthing poetic, my Dear. You go with your intuition and all flows beautifully. I mean -- really, this poem is a waft of winter beauty caught and preserved.
You are absolved, my dear, forever. Go forth and multiply. Wait, you've done that -- 6 times, bravo! Just go forth and keep writing these gems.
xooxoxox
"as if absolved" - perfect allusion to the Church ~
Beautiful Margaret...you painted winter with grace
Your words are delightfully illustrative not only of the photo, but also of the cleansing nature of the breath. And for what it's worth, I like "evening's".
Your words are delightfully illustrative not only of the photo, but also of the cleansing nature of the breath. And for what it's worth, I like "evening's".
The bringing of your breath as if inhaling this imagery...yes, breath-taking beauty.
I specially like the ending line ~ You have captured a moment's breath ~ And beautiful snap too ~
Totally worth it, Margaret. Let the kids moan and groan because they know you'll always make up for it. :)
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