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| Photo courtesy of Tess Kincaid for Magpie Tales |
FOR REAL: THE FINAL VERSION!:
The Longing
I searched for eyes dark
as the coming winter storm
Your light touch desired
ravishing my yearning flesh
like a fine lute, gently played
by Margaret Bednar, Art Happens 365, May 25, 2011
Hmm. Is this any better? I waffled between skin and flesh. I thought the "f" in flesh and fine blended nicely.
I KNOW one isn't supposed to "explain" a poem but this is the way I understand my poem above:
She is not interested in the lute player, the music has made her think of her lover, who never showed up and this is a letter she wrote the next day. She is surrounded by men that she doesn't have the least interest in (that's what I read in her face). This is what I have been trying to convey with all my attempts...
This is for "Magpie Tales #67". I was stuck for inspiration for the longest time until I searched the archives of "One Stop Poetry" for a poetry form. I found: One Stop Poetry Archives "Tanka". The Tanka poem is traditionally a poem used to convey a message to a lover. Click on the highlighted "OSP" post above if you are interested in the details.
I also am entering this into One Stop Poetry's "One Shot Wednesday". Flip over there and check out over 100 poems which will be submitted by midnight tomorrow. It's the "Place To Be" on Wednesdays!
BTW - I recorded this on "Garage Band", but now I am trying to figure out HOW to upload it to my blog. Does anyone know how? I even signed up with divShare and I still can't figure out how to upload to my blog. (I'm so ignorant when it comes to computers!)
LAST VERSION
The Longing
I searched for eyes dark
as the coming winter storm
Longed for your sweet warmth,
Your ravishing stroke desired
like a fine lute, gently strummed.
TWO EARLIER ATTEMPTS below, before I realized the last line was only 5 syllables (it is supposed to be 7) Hopefully you like the above final version the best... A "Tanka" has a syllabic count of 5-7-5-7-7.
The Longing
Searching for eyes dark
as the coming winter storm
I long for his warmth,
His ravishing stroke enjoyed
like a well played lute.
OR
I searched for eyes dark
as the coming winter storm
Longed for your sweet warmth,
Your ravishing stroke desired
like a well played lute.
I kept switching between "Your" and "His" in the 3rd and 4th line. And then I wasn't sure about the "tense". So I have two, slightly different versions. Which do you like?
24 comments:
Both similar, but I much prefer the second version, done in first person. I like your take on the picture. Nicely written!
mmmm...i like them both...ravishing stroke...whew, is it hot in here?
i kept reading them over and over again until i got a little confused myself, lol, but i actually like the first one better, very nice :)
What Passion!
There's an awful lot that goes into being Margaret Bednar isn't there?
You Rock
I had to read these several times to decide, because I think they are both wonderful. If I had to choose though, I would choose the second one.
So nicely done Margaret!
I need to do this. I love all the different styles you are learning and practicing. I like the second. It is beautiful.
I enjoyed both and am horrible at making decisions. it depends on the feel you want...
the first feels like it begins with a search and ends with finding what you were looking for.
the second seems to start as though the search is over and yet ends with you still wanting.
i do like the use of 'your' over 'his' and being partial to the feel of longing, i like the ending of the second. i might suggest using "I search" and "Longing" in the second verse to carry the idea of wanting throughout.
As for you exploration of tanka, your pivot line does well to seperate the top half from the bottom half while bridging the two parts together nicely. For a tanka, the last line should be a 7 syllable count.
(side note: i hope i did not overstep your original question for an opinion with my ramblings/analysis. i truely enjoyed both.)
For that kind of sensuality, hmmm, I prefer "your" too.
Rmp, as I emailed you, I repeat thanks! I enjoy this kind of critique. Iand you are correct...the last line should be seven. Oh boy, I thought I had it. Back to the drawing board. :)
Thank you - each of you for commenting. I FINALLY came up with a "final" version to this poem. I was able to record my voice on Garage Band, but now I can't figure how to upload it to my post. Does anyone know how to do that?
Very interesting interpretation of the prompt. I couldn't possibly choose between your versions - the topmost is strict tanka form, and has some lush images.
~~~romantic~~~
I go with the final choice becasue it is immediate and talks directly to me. But apart from that, the passion is there in all of them.
Final version for me! In fact, so perfect and so descriptive - I am off out to find a lute player!
Anna :o]
There's something very haunting and musical about the final version of your tanka, Margaret..
I liked it a lot!!
Thank you everyone. This was my first real "passionate" poem I think and it was fun. Even though I struggle with structure and rhyme, I think a structured poem REALLY makes you think and select choice words... I know I missed a few turns while driving this afternoon as I mulled over phrases in my head. Ah well, the long way gets a person to the same destination ...
I preferred the middle one, even though the syllable count is off, but I'm not happy wi
th 'ravishing stroke' in any of then! Maybe something like
'his light fingered touch playing
me gently as his lute strings' ??
Jinksy, this poem was certainly a detour from my usual. I googled lute and listened to the beautiful sound and thought it a cross between a guitar and violin. I also read descriptions of it's sound and the word ravishing was used to describe it. My first use of the word stroke was as in he stroked the strings. But of course this has a double meaning here, I suppose! But I see this as a letter writtennto her lover after the evening transpired and she missed him... He never showed up. So, since Tankas are strict in form, I feel bound to form. But perhaps the word stroke is too vulgar and I should change it to something more poetic... I do like the word ravishing as it is passionate and describes the sound of this beautiful instrument. Thank you for your truthful reaction! I will seriously consider it!
I also thought ravishing stroke could be a lovers hands gliding up and down her body. Not as harshly sexual as some might imagine it. Again, thank you as I love this kind of feed back.
Jinksy, I see you are in syllabic count (of course you are :). I want this to be in the past tense and something she longed for, but it didn't happen. The Tanka "letter" is basically telling her lover he was missed. I have company arriving today, but I will take a second look at it.
Interesting, earthier take on the dinner painting. =)
Steve, yes, a bit of a "departure" for me.
I see you have officially settled? very nice final piece. I'm curious if you were ever able to embed the voice file as you wished.
Rmp - for now I guess it is. You know how it is, sometimes oldmpoems get a second tweak later on... I thank you for sending me the info and I just haven't had a chance to sit down and try it. Plus I don't really like the sound of my voice... :)
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