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| A typical view into the side garden yards in historical downtown Charleston, SC |
The Scoundrel
You came to me,
kissed me beside scrolled iron gate.
You came to me,
promised love upon bended knee.
Heart aflutter, swallowed the bait,
gave myself. I regret the date
you came to me.
by Margaret Bednar, April 16, 2013
This is for Imaginary Garden with Real Toads - I say Roundel, You Say Rondelet. I have a mind block and always approach these with dread and find I usually enjoy the result. I tweaked it a bit beside = 'side. Was tempted to forgo "structure" and use 9 syllables ... not sure I like 'side. But for now, I'll play by the "rules".
22 comments:
This is beautiful Margaret. I never doubt you can accomplish any poetic challenge you face.
you could say ‘passion-filled beside the iron gate’ to get the syllables right?
Whatever, I like it.
ouch! ouch!
get outta here, begone!
love this, excellent.
wonderful
Yes, it's so easy for rhyme to get sing-songy--I'm always afraid of repeating lines, too, that they need to be extra good because they are read more than once. I like this one--you could use 'by' for 'side, if you wanted--it would be a bit more direct, though, maybe. Here the refrain works perfectly, I think.
HA! You can learn the rules now so that you can break them later. :)
You came to me.. you have cleverly shifted the meaning of that line throughout the poem.
Spot on, Margaret, and you tweaked the refrain's meaning a little by the placement. Oh, somebody said that already :-)
Oh yeah. I hear that.
Oh, the dreaded regret...but it worked well here...
Thank you... I did tweak the second line... not thrilled with it, but that's what happens when you have a strict form... ;P
This is wonderful, Margaret, and what a beautiful photograph to go with it!
Wow, Margaret you really made your refrains works for your piece...they don't sound repetitive when used this way. :)
Love, love, love the way you worked the refrain! Fantastic job, lady.
I actually read your poem this morning before you tweaked it ... had no time to make thoughtful comments. I also like the transition of your refrain line .........
truely a scoundrel! :)
Oh, the regrets, well put.
Your words work so well in this form, and the picture you paired with it just perfect.
Oh, I know, I kept wanting to change the number of syllables, then tried to play by the rules, and ended up taking an inordinate amount of time and getting it wrong anyway.
Good work, Margaret!
K
In spanish its a Rondela~ and your so called "Attempt" is charming and what I'd call flirtatious :) Sincerely Debbie
lovely. it is always a risk to give all of one's self to someone, but sometimes it's important to take those risks. I enjoyed the use of this form.
Hey, you did a helluva a lot better than I did! I should have called my blog "I Hate Forms," a la Buddah Moskowitz's "I Hate Poetry," wink.
The message at the end, a punch in the gut. Gullible girl, huh? Amy
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