Saturday, January 18, 2014

"Tanka for Imaginary Garden of Real Toads"


Barren branches reach
Toward St. Joseph's church steeple
As winter's sky burns,
I expel my breath
watch it clear as if absolved.

by Margaret Bednar, January 18, 2014

This is a Tanka for "Imaginary Garden with Real Toads Tanks with Hisashi Nakamura"  We have been so amazingly lucky to have his guidance in a two-part series.  I have always enjoyed doing these, and hope I have improved on my understanding of how to execute them.

Note:  I hesitated to use "winter's" as it is so obvious.  I do use "barren" and allude to it being cold.    I originally used "evening's" … any advice or thoughts?

The above photo is an example of me turning the car around and getting out to capture what I glimpsed despite my kids moans and groans. It was worth it I think :)

17 comments:

Sherry Blue Sky said...

I like "winter's". Margaret. Beautifully done. I have not yet tried a tanka.

Kerry O'Connor said...

This captures a very special moment - the connection of self, nature and something more. Very spiritual and uplifting.

Fireblossom said...

I have no advice about writing tankas, but I did love your lines, Margaret. They make nature, even in a harsh season like winter, seem beneficent and forgiving.

Björn said...

Oh I like winter... taken as text only it's not obvious at all.. Maybe nocturnal would work hmmm... But I like the image you paint

Marian said...

oh, i really like your conclusion here, it allows the reader to imagine this moment... fleeting, but a feeling of absolution conferred nonetheless. very lovely!

Kathryn said...

I think Winter works well, it plays into the seasons and this time of year.

Helen said...

I agree winter's works quite nicely. Using 'wintry' might be an alternative ... bottom line, I enjoyed your tanka, Margaret.

Karen S. said...

Ah yes, you bring warmth to an otherwise cold winter's day.

Robyn Greenhouse said...

Smiling at the moans and groans of the kids - I've heard them many times when I want to take a picture! Your tanka is beautiful as it is!

Jannie Funster said...

I don't see how you could possibly improve your understanding of ANYthing poetic, my Dear. You go with your intuition and all flows beautifully. I mean -- really, this poem is a waft of winter beauty caught and preserved.

You are absolved, my dear, forever. Go forth and multiply. Wait, you've done that -- 6 times, bravo! Just go forth and keep writing these gems.

xooxoxox

grapeling said...

"as if absolved" - perfect allusion to the Church ~

Susie Clevenger said...

Beautiful Margaret...you painted winter with grace

Kim Nelson said...

Your words are delightfully illustrative not only of the photo, but also of the cleansing nature of the breath. And for what it's worth, I like "evening's".

Kim Nelson said...

Your words are delightfully illustrative not only of the photo, but also of the cleansing nature of the breath. And for what it's worth, I like "evening's".

Hannah said...

The bringing of your breath as if inhaling this imagery...yes, breath-taking beauty.

Heaven said...

I specially like the ending line ~ You have captured a moment's breath ~ And beautiful snap too ~

Ginnie said...

Totally worth it, Margaret. Let the kids moan and groan because they know you'll always make up for it. :)