Wednesday, April 10, 2013

IGWRT's - Document of Discussion "No Weather Report, Please!"

(For the Friday Flash 55 Version, scroll down)

No Weather Report, Please!

I'm early.  This rarely happens,
so I hesitantly approach
the bar alone.  Why
does this feel so daring? I mean,
I'm forty-seven, confident,
no fear of flirtations. Come-ons
rarely happen; I'd probably laugh
if they did.

I indulge, order a chocolate martini,
try to sip it slowly, but well, they
go down so easily.

The couple beside me
is roughly my age, she's
dressed to kill, perfume
a bit cloying.  She fiddles
with her bracelets, sips
red wine as he talks
about how gray and cloudy
it is outside.  A first date,
I decide, until I hear
the bartender praise
"Twenty-fifth anniversary,

I look closer, as I've been
married almost twenty-three.
She's had her hair done recently,
lots of blond.  Like me.  She could
loose a few pounds.  Like me.
She's drinking quite a bit.
Like me, sometimes.  She
adjusts her shirt, shows more
cleavage.  I've been guilty
of that a few times...

and he's checking his
iPhone, droning on about
the rain, how the lawn
will have to wait.  Glances
at the game in the corner
of the bar, still wearing his suit
from the office.  No special
preparation, and he needs a shave.

A hand slides about my waist,
 a kiss graces my cheek. I raise
an eyebrow, know he can do
better than that.  He kisses my lips.
Better.  I order another drink
and ban him from talking
about the weather.

by Margaret Bednar, April 10, 2013

This is for Imaginary Garden with Real Toads - Document of Discussion.  I twisted it a bit and made it more of an observation/a converstation overheard and my own train of thought.   I have a feeling there will be some pretty awesome responses to this prompt so click the link and check it out.

...and here is a version for Friday Flash 55.   I usually like material condensed, but I think I actually like the longer version better.  But I gave it a go in 55 words:

Let's Not Talk Weather!

I wait,

notice a woman fiddling
with her bracelets, her hair,
her shirt, revealing more cleavage.

"Happy twenty-fifth", praises
the bartender.

I watch her spouse check
his iPhone, drone on about
the rain, the yard, the traffic.

My husband arrives,
kisses my cheek! ... lips.
Better.  And I ban him
from talking about the weather.

by Margaret Bednar, April 10, 2013


Helen said...

I read this with a smile on my lips, a sigh in my heart.

Kerry O'Connor said...

Oh, this is lovely. The juxtaposition creates such an impact.

Kim Nelson said...

I've been married for 32 years. This, then, struck a chord. I think I shall ban the iPhones! ;-)

Kay L. Davies said...

We've only been together half that time, but I could cheerfully kill his iPhone. I weigh quite a lot, so if I were to jump up and down on it...on the front, where it is exposed, not on the back where it wears body armor.

Marian said...

awww, Margaret. this.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

So lovely. Especially the "Better." Hee hee. I can SEE that lifted eyebrow.

Mama Zen said...

I adore this, Margaret. I particularly like the longer version. It pulls you.

Karen S. said...

Hmm, this does sound all a bit to close to home! Ha! Ha! I think it was very wise to be right up front weather talk! Just maybe, with a nice glass of wine romance will be in the air!

Hannah said...

Margaret!! I love your response...this drew me right really say a lot in what you haven't said and I love the comparisons you like real life this is. Great observation conversation, Margaret. :)

Emma Major said...

wonderful, really great and a lesson as well :)

Anonymous said...

I agree, the longer version has more spice, more room to breathe. This is fabulous! We're approaching 15 years, and Lex and I are still like you two... except I probably have less cleavage than you do, hee hee. Amy

Ellecee said...

This is lovely, I really like it. Such a sweet slice of life,,

Isadora Gruye said...

Oh there are so many layers here, the nuances between the couple and the narrator with her husband slays me. In my opinion, there are two conversations here, the one which the couple(s) are having and an internal discussion. So clever, you!!!!!

Peggy said...

I enjoyed having both versions. And definitely no talking about the weather!

Susan said...

HeeHee! Very neat twist of events from a perfect perspective!

Ella said...

I love the dance you shared and the surprise dip at the end! This was fabulous~

Ginnie said...

Fabulous...BOTH versions. Of course, reading the longer version first made the shorter one instantly understood! :)

Brian Miller said...

nice...i like how you set it up. making comparisons between you and her...and then your hubby...and banning him from talking about the weather...ha...nice touch...

Loredana Donovan said...

I love both versions! Couples should take the time to be together romantically, away from the routine and mundane. Well said :)

Anonymous said...

I really do love the longer version! Nice to get that perspective when you people watch.

g-man said...

Margaret Bednar....
Flask Fiction is what it is.
Of course the longer version tells us more
The 55 tells us enough.
Either way, you are such a Peach!
Loved your Chocolate 55
Thanks for playing, and have a Kick Ass Week End

TALON said...

I loved this...the juxtapositioning of the two couples was flawless.

Poet Laundry said...

I so identified with you in this! I'm always thinking...ugh, I don't want to be 'that' couple! You're cute as heck.

Alice Audrey said...

No whinny excuses for being late, either.

anthonynorth said...

Lovely and perceptive.

Yvonne Osborne said...

Good for you! Ban him from talking about the weather and leave the f-ing phone in the glovebox. The chocolate martini looks to die for. Of course the first poem told us more but the second told us enough. Sometimes we have to work hard to get a wee bit of attention. Good to read your writing, as always.

Linc said...

This is wonderful, charming, heart breaking.

hedgewitch said...

I agree, Margaret--this time I like your longer version best--it seems to create a bit more mood, though you do manage to pack a lot into your 55 as well. Being both gardeners, my husband and I do talk about the weather a lot, but we pretty much can complete each others' sentences by now, and end up laughing hysterically at our own jokes, so it evens out.

Margaret said...

Ah, but Hedgewitch... he was talking about the grass... I'm sure your conversation is about much more than that :)