tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post1903786729350682474..comments2024-01-11T10:08:36.567-05:00Comments on Of Verse, Poesy & Odes : Magpie Tales #67, "The Longing"Margarethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00007201357693227614noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-44967973632890779942011-06-08T21:31:34.073-04:002011-06-08T21:31:34.073-04:00Rmp - for now I guess it is. You know how it is, ...Rmp - for now I guess it is. You know how it is, sometimes oldmpoems get a second tweak later on... I thank you for sending me the info and I just haven't had a chance to sit down and try it. Plus I don't really like the sound of my voice... :)Margarethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00007201357693227614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-52627016536965755652011-06-08T15:52:17.273-04:002011-06-08T15:52:17.273-04:00I see you have officially settled? very nice fina...I see you have officially settled? very nice final piece. I'm curious if you were ever able to embed the voice file as you wished.rmpWritingshttp://dontopendontthrowaway.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-56070602182724359642011-06-02T12:01:50.889-04:002011-06-02T12:01:50.889-04:00Steve, yes, a bit of a "departure" for m...Steve, yes, a bit of a "departure" for me.Margarethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00007201357693227614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-30553754193578882342011-05-26T12:51:28.212-04:002011-05-26T12:51:28.212-04:00Interesting, earthier take on the dinner painting....Interesting, earthier take on the dinner painting. =)Steve Isaakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07162341357622058518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-71309119802748573902011-05-26T06:40:55.797-04:002011-05-26T06:40:55.797-04:00Jinksy, I see you are in syllabic count (of course...Jinksy, I see you are in syllabic count (of course you are :). I want this to be in the past tense and something she longed for, but it didn't happen. The Tanka "letter" is basically telling her lover he was missed. I have company arriving today, but I will take a second look at it.Margarethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00007201357693227614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-87392937964290472532011-05-26T06:38:06.507-04:002011-05-26T06:38:06.507-04:00I also thought ravishing stroke could be a lovers ...I also thought ravishing stroke could be a lovers hands gliding up and down her body. Not as harshly sexual as some might imagine it. Again, thank you as I love this kind of feed back.Margarethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00007201357693227614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-34528056923130580782011-05-26T06:31:54.198-04:002011-05-26T06:31:54.198-04:00Jinksy, this poem was certainly a detour from my u...Jinksy, this poem was certainly a detour from my usual. I googled lute and listened to the beautiful sound and thought it a cross between a guitar and violin. I also read descriptions of it's sound and the word ravishing was used to describe it. My first use of the word stroke was as in he stroked the strings. But of course this has a double meaning here, I suppose! But I see this as a letter writtennto her lover after the evening transpired and she missed him... He never showed up. So, since Tankas are strict in form, I feel bound to form. But perhaps the word stroke is too vulgar and I should change it to something more poetic... I do like the word ravishing as it is passionate and describes the sound of this beautiful instrument. Thank you for your truthful reaction! I will seriously consider it!Margarethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00007201357693227614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-83795822244041866562011-05-26T02:21:13.500-04:002011-05-26T02:21:13.500-04:00I preferred the middle one, even though the syllab...I preferred the middle one, even though the syllable count is off, but I'm not happy wi<br />th 'ravishing stroke' in any of then! Maybe something like <br />'his light fingered touch playing<br />me gently as his lute strings' ??Jinksyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01686101468214361004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-36195187203064150982011-05-25T21:12:21.032-04:002011-05-25T21:12:21.032-04:00Thank you everyone. This was my first real "...Thank you everyone. This was my first real "passionate" poem I think and it was fun. Even though I struggle with structure and rhyme, I think a structured poem REALLY makes you think and select choice words... I know I missed a few turns while driving this afternoon as I mulled over phrases in my head. Ah well, the long way gets a person to the same destination ...Margarethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00007201357693227614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-23567327463413802932011-05-25T19:25:48.105-04:002011-05-25T19:25:48.105-04:00There's something very haunting and musical ab...There's something very haunting and musical about the final version of your tanka, Margaret..<br />I liked it a lot!!Kavitahttp://kavisionz.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-89975632953834948942011-05-25T17:22:41.722-04:002011-05-25T17:22:41.722-04:00Final version for me! In fact, so perfect and so ...Final version for me! In fact, so perfect and so descriptive - I am off out to find a lute player! <br /><br />Anna :o]hyperCRYPTICalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11967085628384237933noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-48364264118594012242011-05-25T16:21:36.702-04:002011-05-25T16:21:36.702-04:00I go with the final choice becasue it is immediate...I go with the final choice becasue it is immediate and talks directly to me. But apart from that, the passion is there in all of them.Stafford Rayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03048757515249725540noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-56924616333474753642011-05-25T14:51:10.134-04:002011-05-25T14:51:10.134-04:00~~~romantic~~~~~~romantic~~~Jhpoetryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02745726173641549524noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-21765058313079791652011-05-25T13:21:33.899-04:002011-05-25T13:21:33.899-04:00Very interesting interpretation of the prompt. I ...Very interesting interpretation of the prompt. I couldn't possibly choose between your versions - the topmost is strict tanka form, and has some lush images.Doctor FTSEhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10052101566471519778noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-77652653494721002462011-05-25T10:43:26.862-04:002011-05-25T10:43:26.862-04:00Thank you - each of you for commenting. I FINALLY...Thank you - each of you for commenting. I FINALLY came up with a "final" version to this poem. I was able to record my voice on Garage Band, but now I can't figure how to upload it to my post. Does anyone know how to do that?Margarethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00007201357693227614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-89585219299451960312011-05-25T08:22:21.831-04:002011-05-25T08:22:21.831-04:00Rmp, as I emailed you, I repeat thanks! I enjoy t...Rmp, as I emailed you, I repeat thanks! I enjoy this kind of critique. Iand you are correct...the last line should be seven. Oh boy, I thought I had it. Back to the drawing board. :)Margarethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00007201357693227614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-40966582098401071302011-05-25T08:17:42.689-04:002011-05-25T08:17:42.689-04:00For that kind of sensuality, hmmm, I prefer "...For that kind of sensuality, hmmm, I prefer "your" too.Ruthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14204074161539605133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-61358441408638689712011-05-25T07:58:04.360-04:002011-05-25T07:58:04.360-04:00I enjoyed both and am horrible at making decisions...I enjoyed both and am horrible at making decisions. it depends on the feel you want...<br /><br />the first feels like it begins with a search and ends with finding what you were looking for.<br /><br />the second seems to start as though the search is over and yet ends with you still wanting.<br /><br />i do like the use of 'your' over 'his' and being partial to the feel of longing, i like the ending of the second. i might suggest using "I search" and "Longing" in the second verse to carry the idea of wanting throughout.<br /><br />As for you exploration of tanka, your pivot line does well to seperate the top half from the bottom half while bridging the two parts together nicely. For a tanka, the last line should be a 7 syllable count.<br /><br />(side note: i hope i did not overstep your original question for an opinion with my ramblings/analysis. i truely enjoyed both.)rmpWritingshttp://dontopendontthrowaway.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-71534038487456560842011-05-25T01:07:09.174-04:002011-05-25T01:07:09.174-04:00I need to do this. I love all the different style...I need to do this. I love all the different styles you are learning and practicing. I like the second. It is beautiful.Pitterle Postingshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02944899733768126383noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-39147100931800947062011-05-24T21:20:58.772-04:002011-05-24T21:20:58.772-04:00I had to read these several times to decide, becau...I had to read these several times to decide, because I think they are both wonderful. If I had to choose though, I would choose the second one.<br />So nicely done Margaret!Lisa Gordonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06638444295223502727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-73859019945988194442011-05-24T20:20:59.439-04:002011-05-24T20:20:59.439-04:00What Passion!
There's an awful lot that goes i...What Passion!<br />There's an awful lot that goes into being Margaret Bednar isn't there?<br />You RockG-Manhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14968807697181554781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-79419940559688255942011-05-24T19:25:39.763-04:002011-05-24T19:25:39.763-04:00i kept reading them over and over again until i go...i kept reading them over and over again until i got a little confused myself, lol, but i actually like the first one better, very nice :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01547380098561803645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-39931094799334112992011-05-24T18:52:42.338-04:002011-05-24T18:52:42.338-04:00mmmm...i like them both...ravishing stroke...whew,...mmmm...i like them both...ravishing stroke...whew, is it hot in here?Brian Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00722940075884718007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3074509503476824621.post-18061499950007502252011-05-24T18:35:53.002-04:002011-05-24T18:35:53.002-04:00Both similar, but I much prefer the second version...Both similar, but I much prefer the second version, done in first person. I like your take on the picture. Nicely written!Ginny Brannanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15298060016652737538noreply@blogger.com